I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
