the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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