Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
