i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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