dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
