The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Houston, we have a blender
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
