next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
