Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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