She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
