no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
