I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
