I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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