ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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