We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
