It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Randomize
