Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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