1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
