I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
