gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
