the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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