I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
