You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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