I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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