I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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