Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
He called his prostate his "boner button".
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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