I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
