I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
