dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
