just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
