I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
