god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
