3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
