I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
