I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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