I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Go christen that room with your naked body.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
