They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
