someone threw a dead crab at me
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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