If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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