when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
