I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize