Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
