I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
