i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize