The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
