Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
