So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
