Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
