So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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