Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You smell like stripper and shame
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
