You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
