god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
