I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Randomize
