You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
