so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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