my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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