Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
