I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
