i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
