You just made me feel so damn special
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
