RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Randomize
