I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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