apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
