I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
