Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
